Funny Poems and Readings

Yes, I'll Marry You by Pam Ayres

"Yes, I'll marry you, my dear./ And here's the reason why: /So I can push you out of bed/ When the baby starts to cry./ And if we hear a knocking/ And it's creepy and it's late,/ I hand you the torch you see,/ And you investigate./ Yes, I'll marry you, my dear,/ You may not apprehend it,/ But when the tumble-drier goes/ It's you that has to mend it./ You have to face the neighbor/ Should our Labrador attack him,/ And if a drunkard fondles me/ It's you that has to whack him./ Yes, I'll marry you, my dear,/ You're virile and you're lean,/ My house is like a pigsty/ You can help to keep it clean./ That sexy little dinner/ Which you served by candlelight,/ As I do chipolatas,/ You can cook it every night!!!/ It's you who has to work the drill/ And put up curtain track,/ And when I've got PMT it's you who gets the flak,/ I do see great advantages,/ But none of them for you,/ And so before you see the light,/ I DO, I DO, I DO!!"

He Never Leaves the Seat Up by Anonymous

"He never leaves the seat up,/ Or wet towels upon the floor,/ The toothpaste has the lid on,/ And he always shuts the door!/ She's very clean and tidy,/ Though she may sometimes delude,/ Leave your things out at your peril,/ In a second, they'll have moved!/ He's a very active person,/ As are all his next of kin,/ Where as she likes lazy days,/ He'll still drag her to the gym!/ He romances her and dines her,/ Though she sometimes likes to fight,/ It's just that he remembers,/ To hug her, every night!"

I'll Be There For You by Louise Cuddon

"I'll be there my darling, through thick and through thin/ When your mind's in a mess and your head's in a spin/ When your plane's been delayed, and you've missed the last train./ When life is just threatening to drive you insane/ When your thrilling whodunit has lost its last page/ When somebody tells you, you're looking your age/ When your coffee's too cool, and your wine is too warm/ When the forecast said "Fine", but you're out in a storm/ When your quick break hotel, turns into a slum/ And your holiday photos show only your thumb/ When you park for five minutes in a resident's bay/ And return to discover you've been towed away/ When the jeans that you bought in hope or in haste/ Just stick on your hips and don't reach round your waist/ When the food you most like brings you out in red rashes/ When as soon as you boot up the bloody thing crashes/ So my darling, my sweetheart, my dear…/ When you break a rule, when you act the fool/ When you've got the flu, when you're in a stew/ When you're last in the queue, don't feel blue/ 'cause I'm telling you, I'll be there."

How Falling in Love Is Like Owning a Dog by Taylor Mali

"First of all, it's a big responsibility, especially in a city like New York./ So think long and hard before deciding on love./ On the other hand, love gives you a sense of security:/ when you're walking down the street late at night/ and you have a leash on love/ ain't no one going to mess with you./ Because crooks and muggers think love is unpredictable./ Who knows what love could do in its own defense?/ On cold winter nights, love is warm./ It lies between you and lives/ and breathes/ and makes funny noises./ Love wakes you up all hours of the night with its needs./ It needs to be fed so it will grow and stay healthy./ Love doesn't like being left alone for long./ But come home and love is always happy to see you./ It may break a few things accidentally in its passion for life,/ but you can never be mad at love for long."

I Rely on You by Hovis Presley

"I rely on you like a Skoda needs suspension,/ like the aged need a pension,/ like a trampoline needs tension,/ like a bungee jump needs apprehension./ I rely on you like a camera needs a shutter,/ like a gambler needs a flutter,/ like a golfer needs a putter,/ like a buttered scone involves some butter./ I rely on you like an acrobat needs ice cool nerve,/ like a hairpin needs a drastic curve,/ like an HGV needs endless derv,/ like an outside left needs a body swerve./ I rely on you like a handyman needs pliers,/ like an auctioneer needs buyers,/ like a laundromat needs dryers,/ like The Good Life needed Richard Briers./ I rely on you like a water vole needs water,/ like a brick outhouse needs mortar,/ like a lemming to the slaughter,/ Ryan's just Ryan without his daughter. I rely on you."

I Like You by Sandol Stoddard Warburg

"I like you and I know why/ I like you because you are a good person to like/ I like you because when I tell you something special, you know it's special/ And you remember it a long, long time/ You say, "Remember when you told me something special?"/ And both of us remember/ When I think something is important/ You think it's important too/ We have good ideas/ When I say something funny, you laugh/ I think I'm funny and you think I'm funny too/ You know how to be silly/ That's why I like you/ If I am getting ready to pop a paper bag,/ then you are getting ready to jump/ I like you because when I am feeling sad/ You don't always cheer me up right away/ Sometimes it is better to be sad/ You want to think about things/ It takes time/ I like you because if I am mad at you/ Then you are mad at me too/ It's awful when the other person isn't/ I can't remember when I didn't like you/ It must have been lonesome then/ Even if it was the 999th of July/ Even if it was August/ Even if it was way down at the bottom of November/ I would go on choosing you/ And you would go on choosing me/ Over and over again/ And that's how it would happen every time"

We're All A Little Weird by Dr. Seuss

"We're are all a little weird/ and life's a little weird,/ and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with/ ours, we join up with them and/ fall in mutual weirdness and call it love."

I Wanna Be Yours by John Cooper Clark

"I wanna be your vacuum cleaner/ Breathing in your dust/ I wanna be your Ford Cortina/ I will never rust/ If you like your coffee hot/ Let me be your coffee pot/ You call the shots/ I wanna be yours/ I wanna be your raincoat/ For those frequent rainy days/ I wanna be your dreamboat/ When you want to sail away/ Let me be your teddy bear/ Take me with you anywhere/ I don't care/ I wanna be yours/ I wanna be your electric meter/ I will not run out/ I wanna be the electric heater/ You'll get cold without/ I wanna be your setting lotion/ Hold your hair in deep devotion/ Deep as the deep Atlantic ocean/ That's how deep is my devotion"

Grow Old With You from The Wedding Singer

"I want to make you smile whenever you're sad/ Carry you around when your arthritis is bad/ All I want to do is grow old with you/ I'll get your medicine when your tummy aches/ Build you a fire if the furnace breaks/ Oh it could be so nice, growing old with you/ I'll miss you, kiss you, give you my coat when you are cold/ Need you, feed you, even let you hold the remote control/ So let me do the dishes in our kitchen sink/ Put you to bed if you've had too much to drink/ I could be the man who grows old with you/ I want to grow old with you."